In the news: Comedy writer Kevin
S. Healey, on former White House pr
ess secretary Dee Dee Myer's D.U.I.
arrest: "She probably won't secure a
prominent role in President Clinton's
reelection campaign, but this pretty
much seals her invitation to Ted
Kennedy's Fourth of July barbecue."
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on Judge
Ito confiscating John Grisham's
novel, "The Rainmaker," from two jurors: "He
did so on grounds that it
could be prejudicial. He later seized a copy of
Newt Gingrich's '1945' on
grounds that it's just poorly written."
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on Michigan Gov. John Engler's rejection of
a
plan for legalized gambling in Detroit: "He argued casinos often lead to
crime, drug use, prostitution and concerts by Wayne Newton."
Comic
Jenny Church, on Roger Clinton spending the night in the White
House's
Lincoln bedroom: "He insists Mary Todd Lincoln is still in there.
Her ghost
showed up while he was in the shower and begged him to stop
singing. Said he
could wake the dead."
* And some not so political humor....
Lewd Grant: "MTA engineers think they spotted something at
the bottom
of the Hollywood sinkhole. Turned out it was just Hugh Grant's
career."
(Leslie Coogan)
* "Grant's new film 'Nine Months' will be
renamed 'Six Months or $500.'
" (Kim Wilczynski)
* "C'mon, he was on
Sunset Boulevard, where it's unlawful not to
perform a lewd act." (Paul
Ryan)
* "Grant's companion was Divine Brown, so it was an
understandable
mistake. He thought he was having a religious experience."
(Stan Kaplan)
* "Just think of Grant as the Englishman who went up a
boulevard and
came down with a record." (Alex Kaseberg)
*
Huntington Beach reader Tony Jasica, on rumors Disney may buy the Tampa
Bay
Buccaneers: "It plans a modification. The team name will be the
Anaheim
Pirates of the Caribbean."
Comedy writer Jerry Perisho, on hair and
fiber experts talking about
dark roots at the O.J. Simpson trial: "It seems
like Leslie Abramson
should be involved in this case."
Healey, on
"Today" anchor Katie Couric's pregnancy: "She plans to split
free time
between her two kids. Each will get five minutes alone with her
each week,
including a cooking segment."
*
San Bernardino teacher Jane
Montgomery read a story to her class about
a bear who finds a house plagued
with broken windows and doors, and filled
with dilapidated furniture. After
seeing the pictures in the storybook,
one 4-year-old student said:
"Oh, it must have been a rental."